Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
