We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
