life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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