You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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