We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
