Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
