i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
