I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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