You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize