i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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