he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
