Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize