how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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