I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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