this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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