hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
