Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
