I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
