it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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