This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
