A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
