Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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