I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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