I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
