I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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