My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
