maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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