Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
