Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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