Plan B is the new Plan A
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
