Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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