Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
