Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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