Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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