I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
