The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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