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i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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