Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
