I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
