and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize