Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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