The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
