Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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