So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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