hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
