apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
