Me too!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Those nachos came to me in a dream
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize