I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
