I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
