goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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