if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
