Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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