i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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