Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
