i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
