I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
