Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Randomize
