Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
