Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
