I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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