I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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