After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
