You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
