she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
