I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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